


The Search for Shepard

by honeybee592



Series: OTP: Brains, Brawn, and Biotics [6]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, M/M, Pre-Relationship, bearded Kaidan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-10
Updated: 2014-12-28
Packaged: 2018-02-24 20:04:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2594732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeybee592/pseuds/honeybee592
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard has saved the galaxy but no one is looking for her. James sets out to find her.</p><p>Post destroy setting with a few changes to canon to make life more bearable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Same shit, different day. Someone died in the night. James was glad. That fucker moaned like nothing else. Kept him awake. Maybe now he’d be able to get some sleep. The peace didn’t last long though. Everyone around him groaned or sobbed or spewed. They stank of piss and shit and pus, bile and rotting flesh. He probably smelled just the same, made just the same noises. Some days were good. The days when they had enough painkillers for everyone. But that wasn’t every day. Those who were definitely on their way out only got enough to keep the edge off, keep them comfortable. Those who were going to make it got enough to fly a little high, take them out of reality and float above the world. Be free. Be light.

James was not having a good day. He was in the ‘going to make it’ group, he knew that much. But he didn’t get much medigel this round. Just enough smeared over the burns on his leg to take away the tight feeling. Didn’t take away the pain in his heart. Sometimes it stabbed, sometimes it cut. But always there was an ache. He’d close his eyes and grit his teeth against the pain but all he’d see was Shepard running towards that beam, running away from him. And he’d have to force his eyes open and suck the air into his lungs. And that would hurt his crushed ribs so he’d have to breathe shallow. But then he’d feel his heart beating and the memories would flood in again. He just needed enough painkillers to make him fly so high he’d reach the angels.

“Hey James.”

Ah, but here was his reason for staying among the mortals. Kaidan, dropping by for his daily visit. He brought his company, his conversation. He’d been there when James’d woken up, held his hand as he screamed through the terror that wracked his body. He’d stayed as his bones knitted, as his skin regrew. He’d stayed throughout it all.

“Hey K.”

Kaidan dragged the only chair in the ward over and sat down. He carried a mess tin in one hand. “Got you some food. Good stuff,” he said, handing it over.

James opened it. Holy hell. Mashed potato and carrots. Peas and beans. And meat. Didn’t matter if it was vat grown. It was food, real food. He gaped at Kaidan, saw the soft smile under that beard. He grinned back. Smiling was the one thing that didn’t hurt.

“Fuck. Where’d you get this shit?” James asked.

Kaidan pulled a fork out of his pocket, passed it over. James dug in while Kaidan spoke. “New mess sergeant has been brought in for the rebuild teams. Morale was, how should I put it? If we had to eat boiled cabbage one more time, we were going to mutiny.”

James grinned. Didn’t sound all that different from what he’d been eating. The meal was cold but he didn’t care. This was a feast worthy of a king.

“How are you feeling?” Kaidan asked.

“Same old. Tired. Sore. Can piss by myself now. So... that’s good.”

“Hey, congratulations. That mean you can walk around now?”

“Uh huh. Done my time in the bone knitter. Doc came by this morning, says the skin grafts took well. Shit, my leg feels really tight, you know? Then the hot _chica_ from PT came through, got me on my feet.”

Beside them, a soldier screamed. Kaidan winced. James ignored the noise the best he could and squished a bunch of peas into some mashed potato and shoveled the lot into his mouth.

“What’s new out there?” James mumbled through a full mouth. He longed for news from outside. Pity not much of it was good news. But a new cook,that was the kind of information James lived for these days. Especially if it meant Kaidan bringing him food like this.

Kaidan sighed. “Not much new. Looters are still a problem. I seem to spend as much time arresting people as I do finding them. It’s a pain in the ass.” Kaidan slumped down in his chair, arms folded. “You know, we’ve all been through this war, survived it, and now these people… survivors try and take what little’s left from others! It makes no sense.”

“K, hey. I know. Civvies don’t get it. They don’t know how we saved the galaxy for them, never will. They only care about getting their fancy vid screens and organic vegetables again.” James’ attempt at humour fell flat even to his own ears.

Kaidan huffed. “The rebuild would be a lot easier if it weren’t for them. They don’t take orders very well.”

“Ah, a stint in the military. That’s the trick, huh? Sort them out, put them in line.”  
“Something like that.”

They lapsed into silence. Kaidan grabbed the datapad hanging at the end of the cot, brows drawn as he read over the doc’s jargon. James scraped the bottom of his tin, then swapped to using his finger when the screech set his teeth on edge.

James set the licked-clean tin down on his lap, waved his hand in Kaidan’s direction, catching his attention. “Hey, any word on Shepard?” Same question, different day.

Kaidan put the datapad back, not meeting James’ eye. “No, no word.”

“They’re looking for her though, no?”

“Yeah. Yeah they are.” Kaidan whispered.

“Who?”

“You won’t know them.” Kaidan just stared at the floor.

James let it drop. He had this nagging feeling that Kaidan wasn’t telling him the whole truth. But, maybe it was just as painful for him as it was for James. He’d been there too, after all, seeing Shepard run away.

“‘Spose when they do find her, they’ll take her someplace fancy, huh. Better than this shit hole.” James said.

Kaidan just nodded. His omni flashed and he hmmed as he read the message.

“Hey. I got to go.” He stood, placed his hand on James’ good shoulder. “Sorry I couldn’t stick around this time. Same time tomorrow, though, okay?” He squeezed and warmth spread out under his palm over James’ skin.

“No problem, _amigo_. Thanks for the food. Keep it coming,” James replied.

Kaidan smiled softly, drew his hand back. “Take care, James.”

As he left, the soldier next to James screamed again. James’ peace shattered in an instant.

***

Hackett visited. Wanted to hear what James had to say about his last moments of consciousness.

James had nothing to say. “Sir, Major Alenko wrote up the mission. Ask him.”

Hackett dropped his head, stared at James through narrowed eyes. His hands remained clasped behind his back. He didn’t sit down. “I’m asking you.”

James worked his jaw, grinding his teeth. He’d be out of here soon and he just wanted to move on, get put to work on the rebuild, anything to keep his mind and body busy. Hackett waited. He could wait all day.

“Fine. We were running towards that beam. Me and Lol--the Commander, and the Major. Husks and cannibals nipped at our heels but we just fucking ran, shit exploding all around us--uh, sir.”

Hackett nodded once, ignoring James’ lack of decorum. James squeezed his eyes shut. The shadow of the mako flying towards him passed over his eyelids and the sounds came back, blasting in his ears. Pain lanced through his left leg, the sickening crunch making bile rise in his throat. He needed to get up and move. He tried to stand, but he’d fallen. When had that happened? Kaidan knelt by his side, scanning him and dosing him up. His suit delivered painkillers but he got off on that pain, needed it. Acid burned his skin, coursed through his veins, igniting his rage, making him want to fight. Then Shepard was there, crouching with them behind that mako that’d almost killed him. He craned his neck. The beam was right there, the last stop. He just needed to get up. Kaidan pushed him down. The roar deafened him. He clawed at his helmet seals, needing fresh air, but Kaidan thumped his crown.

“Too dangerous,” Kaidan yelled. “Your neck’s not in a good way. Keep your helmet on.”

Kaidan held his head steady, staring at him through his visor until James nodded. His neck felt fine. Shepard laid a hand on his head too. He couldn’t hear what she was saying. Maybe he’d gone deaf, but he’d just heard Kaidan, so maybe she wasn’t talking to him. She kept looking behind her shoulder. Then she was on her feet, dragging James to his. Kaidan hooked his arm under James to keep him steady. Hot pain lanced through his leg, his chest, oh and now he felt it in his neck. Shepard grabbed his shotgun, slung it over her back. His right arm was fine, he could still shoot. But Shepard pushed him and Kaidan into a shuttle, told them to get the hell out.

“No! Lola, I can still fight. Just give me my gun.” James pleaded.

Shepard shook her head, stepped back. James reached out for her. Beside him Kaidan took his weight and choked out her name.

Shepard walked back to them, lay her hand on James’ helmet, knocked her head against Kaidan’s, glancing from one man to the other.

“Remember what I said? Remember where that pub is? I’ll be waiting for you. Both of you. Go!” She shoved Kaidan back and James went with him, then she thumped on the shuttle door and it sped away. James clung to Kaidan, the pain finally becoming too much, engulfing him.

James gasped as his eyes flew open. Bright white light and silence filled the room. He looked up at Hackett, immutable. A mountain. A sun that never set.

“I--I can’t--” James sobbed, sinking down into the bed and pulling the sheet up over his head, wishing Hackett would leave.

***

He’d be out soon. Thank fuck. PT was going well. Really well. He’d run a whole two k this morning. Took him a while but he did it. But now, lying back in bed, his stomach lurched and the ground pulled to starboard.

“Woah, Doc. What’s with all the colours?” James blinked, staring wide-eyed around the room. “Everything’s so bright.”

The doctor frowned, stepped out of James’ view, somewhere behind him. Muttered something about messed up doses and varen tranquilizers. “You, you just try and get some sleep, Lieutenant. The colours will be gone in a few hours.”

“But I like the colours.”

The doctor turned, his attention caught by someone else entering the ward. “Major. Good luck. He’s high.” James sat forward, craned his neck to see who the doctor was talking to. Kaidan stepped into view as the doctor strode out.

“K! _Carino_!” James cried. He waved Kaidan over, eyes darting around as he checked his surrounding. “I’ve got magic powers,” he whispered. “Shh. Don’t tell anyone.”

Kaidan smiled and James beamed. He waited until Kaidan had pulled up the chair and had shuffled in close.

“I can see colours that don’t exist,” he said. Kaidan raised his eyebrows.“What? You don’t believe me? It’s true. Your beard must be worth a fortune. It’s full of silver.” He reached out, fingers shaking as they delicately stroked the whiskers on Kaidan’s jaw. “Suits you.”

Kaidan took James’ hand in his own, lowered it to his lap. His hands were warm and dry, not clammy like James’.

“How are you feeling, James?” Kaidan asked.

How was he feeling? He felt great. Hadn’t felt this good since… since he last time he’d fleeced Kaidan at poker back on the _Normandy_. The _Normandy_. James frowned, tightened his grip on Kaidan’s hand.

“Where’s Lola?” he asked, searching Kaidan’s eyes for the answer.

“I don’t know,” Kaidan replied.

“Have you gone to the Sovereign? Maybe she’s there. She’d said she’d meet us there.”

“She’s not there,” Kaidan whispered.

“Did you wait there long? Did you leave a message? Maybe she went there when you weren’t there, and she left. I’ll write you a message to leave--”

“James!”

James stopped rambling, stared at Kaidan through dozy eyes. He looked like he might cry and that made James want to cry.

“I don’t think… I don’t think Shepard’s coming back,” Kaidan said.

James blinked away the prickles of tears and laughed. “What are you talking about? Of course she’s coming back. She’ll just be lost. Remember when she got us lost on Benning? Couldn’t tell one prefab from another. Nah, we’ll just wait. She’ll be back.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> James' day starts off well. Doesn't stay that way.
> 
> (Shh. Don't talk to me about ranks)

After a physical that left him gasping and clutching his side from the stitch, James was discharged with orders to report to Hackett.

The world felt fresh and new as he stepped outside the hospital for the first time, sucking in air that didn’t smell like disinfectant and sick. Pity Kaidan couldn’t be there. But they’d catch up later for beers in the officers’ lounge--Kaidan’s treat. James stretched his shoulders, his new uniform shifting with him, not pulling at the seams. He’d have to hit the gym ASAP, but in the mean time he felt alive, awake, _home_ , as he strode across the compound with vague instructions on how to find Hackett’s command post. No grass in sight and the few trees around looked dead, skeletal branches reaching for a blue sky. Could just be they’d lost their leaves.

Command had taken up residence on the razed ground of the old Vancouver HQ. The sky high towers had been replaced with prefabs not more than three stories high. Hardly seemed like enough space, but there weren’t that many people to cram into the offices any more.

Hackett’s command sat in the centre of the compound. A baby-faced private stood guard at the door, his uniform two sizes too big, pressed, buttons shining. James waved him away and went to enter, but the kid stepped into his path, brought his assault rifle across his chest.

“Sir, you need an appointment to go in, sir,” the kid squeaked.

James raised his eyebrow as he peered down at the kid, his good mood evaporating. “I got orders to see Hackett. You gonna make me disobey an Admiral, or are you gonna stand aside.” It wasn’t a question.

The kid stood his ground, juggled his rifle under one arm in a way that had James stepping back from a potential shooting while he brought up his omni.

“Name, please,” the kid said.

James sighed. Seemed the Reapers had failed to destroy bureaucracy. Wouldn’t get this shit on the front lines. Never had to have an appointment to see Captain Toni or Commander Shepard.

“Lieutenant James Vega,” he sighed, affecting boredom.

The kid looked up from his omni, wide eyed. “Lieutenant Vega? Of the _Normandy SR2_? Wow.”

James smirked and crossed his arms. “Uh huh. That’s me. Now, you gonna let me past?”

The kid scrambled to one side and the door slid open. “Of course, sir, yeah. Admiral Hackett is waiting for you.” He threw a crisp salute, sleeve slinking to his elbow.

James just shook his head and wandered past.

*

Rooms within rooms.

“Wait here. The Admiral will be with you shortly.” At least the secretary spoke with authority. Looked like he could do more damage with his datapad than that kid could with his assault rifle, too.

James didn’t bother with the row of seats lining the wall. Instead he stood with his back to them, still enjoying his new found ability to stand at ease without his body protesting. The room was dull compared to outside. Only a strip of lights above the secretary's desk provided any light. The place looked like it’d been thrown up in a hurry, walls not quite square, a few panels sitting wonky.

Hackett’s door lock flicked from red to green then slid open. A murmur of voices wafted out, followed closely by the owners.

Kaidan saluted Hackett then turned on his heel. His smile slipped when he saw James, glancing at him briefly before striding out into the sunshine. James’ stomach lurched at the snub as he tried to parse the… embarrassment... in those eyes. What’s the deal? Was their friendship a secret or something? Now that the war was over and the wounds had healed, was Kaidan suddenly too good to be associating with ground pounders like James? Nah, couldn’t be that. They were tight. Kaidan was gonna use his rank to get James access to the officers’ lounge and all that good food..

“Lieutenant Vega, good to see you’ve recovered.” Hackett stood with his back to his door, held his arm out directing James into his office.

“Good to be back, sir.” The nausea turned to giddiness, anticipation of returning to duty after too long spent lying on his back.

Hackett stood behind his desk, James in front, both at rest. Didn’t look like the chair behind Hackett’s desk had ever been sat in. Pushed back and discarded, facing the wall like it’d gotten in trouble and now had to sit there and think about what it had done.

“The doctors say you’re fit for duty, provided you keep up with the PT. Are you ready for that?” Hackett’s eyes narrowed, searching for any waiver or lack of conviction.

That wouldn’t be a problem for James. “Sir, yes sir. Wherever you need me sir.” Being assigned to Kaidan’s unit might be too much to hope for.

“And your state of mind? Psych report’s clean. You’re a strong man, Vega, but that doesn’t mean you won’t suffer occasionally.”

James bristled. The nightmares of the mako crushing his leg, of him having to leave Shepard behind, the memories were still there but he no longer woke up in a cold sweat reaching for Kaidan's hand.

“I know how to deal with it, sir,” he said, pulling his shoulders back a little more.

“Good. You’ll be shipping out to Rio immediately and you’ll be going as Lieutenant Commander Vega, understood?”

Rio? Immediately? And Lieutenant Commander… That was the same rank as Shepard. James swallowed his surprise. “Permission to speak, sir?”

Hackett nodded.

“What about the rebuild, sir? I thought I’d be helping here, not living it up in the jungle. Not that I’m not grateful for the opportunity…”

Hackett ambled around from behind his desk, came to a stand in front of James. Shit, the man was even scarier up close. Those scars on his face made James’ look like papercuts. James swallowed.

“Believe me when I tell you that you won’t be--” he raised his hands, making finger quotes “--’living it up’, Vega. The Reapers may be gone but they’ve left chaos in their wake. Our fleets and colonies have been decimated, not to mention the state of the other species in the galaxy. We need order and we need it fast. We need people like you to enforce it. By gunpoint, if necessary.”

There would be no argument. Hackett stepped back behind his desk, tapped at his console while outlining the details as he sent them to James’ omni. Where to get new armour, weapons, gear, confirmation of his new rank, his new awards, shipping and requisition orders, the marines he’d be training with, who his officers would be. All the talk was about the future, moving forward, not looking back. Even the talk of his awards--the Star of Terra and Palladium Star--was about when the ceremony would be, glossing over just which missions he’d earned them on.

Then Hackett was done talking. He rested his fingers on the edge of the desk for a moment before slipping his hands back behind him. James’s heart pounded, brain ached from all the new information. His still-recovering shoulder twinged from standing in one place for so long.

“Any questions, Commander?” Hackett asked.

A moment passed before James remembered that that was him. Shit. This promotion would mean subordinates, reports, meetings. Dealing with brass. None of that mattered though as the image of another Commander floated into his mind.

“Sir, if I can ask, what’s Commander Shepard’s status?” James twisted his clammy hands as they rested against the small his back.

Hackett tilted his head to the side, frowned, like he was surprised James was asking. “Her status is MIA, presumed dead.”

“What? Since when?” Hackett’s words hit James like a claymore to the chest.

“Since she fired the crucible. No word from her since.” Hackett spoke clearly, dry, no emotion. “You must know that.”

James didn’t know that. Didn’t know about anything that happened between his evac from London and waking up in the field hospital. That was six months ago. “Kaidan--Major Alenko said there was a search party. He said people were looking for her…” James’ legs wobbled, threatening to give way.

“After the crucible fired, the Citadel went dark. A squad was sent up to inspect the damage and stablise its orbit. The place is dead. There’s no way she could’ve survived. No way anyone could’ve survived.”

“What do you mean, the Citadel’s dead?”

“No power. No life support systems. No Comms. Dead.”

James’ heart pounded and his blood boiled. “No. That can’t be true. She’s up there! We need to get her. She needs to come home.”

“Commander Vega, I will only say this once. Shepard is no longer alive.”

“Bullshit! She’s Shepard! She… We need to find her. I’ll go, sir. She _needs_ to come home.”

“This war has had enough heros, Vega. Don’t be be a martyr.”

James swallowed hard. He didn’t need reminding but he wasn’t about to give up. “What about her suit? We can find her from her suit. If she’s hurt, it’ll be pinging the _Normandy_. Or, her beacon will’ve gone off. What about her last known location? Anyone looked there?” James scrabbled for options. He knew he was being shrill, knew his voice betrayed his emotions but what good was a promotion and a bunch of awards if it’d all been for nothing?

Hackett barely shook his head.

“No one is looking for her?” The outrage seeping through his body spilled out in his voice.

“Vega!” Hackett barked. “You will calm down right now or I will calm you down myself.”

James snapped to attention, jaw clenched, knuckles white.

Hackett spoke to James as he walked over to him again. “We don’t have the resources to spare for that kind of mission. And until such time as we can figure out how to send that damn hunk of metal back to Widow, the Citadel is off limits.”

“Fuck your resources, sir,” James spat.

Hackett’s face hardened, that stone glare turning James’ guts liquid. But he stood his ground. Nothing could be worse than the thought of Shepard being up there. Alone.

“Careful, Vega. It would be a pity for you to throw away your new promotion before you’ve even had a chance to prove yourself.” Hackett’s voice sliced through the air, a knife held against James’ throat.

Hackett wouldn’t court martial him. No way. Like he said, the Alliance needed everyone they had. James was too valuable to let rot in the brig. But not so valuable that he couldn’t get assigned the shit missions, have his life made miserable. But what did that matter if Shepard wasn’t here.

James struggled to swallow his rage. He couldn’t let this go, couldn’t let Shepard go. So he resorted to begging. “Sir. Please. I have to try. Even if she’s… I have to.” He swallowed hard, returning Hackett’s piercing gaze, not daring to even blink.

Hackett didn’t reply immediately. He stared at James, like he was waiting for him to flinch. But James kept his resolve.

“Your dedication to Shepard shouldn’t surprise me. Neither should your insubordination. Your record is full of audacious exploits bordering on the idiotic, bravery beyond the call of duty. But I can’t help but wonder what your motivation is here. Why you’re so intent on throwing away the opportunity afforded by promotion in favour of chasing after ghosts. This isn’t Fehl Prime. Anderson isn’t here to haul you back to the Alliance this time.”

James’ clenched his jaw, teeth grinding. “You’re right, sir. This isn’t Fehl Prime. I couldn’t save everyone then but I can save Shepard now. One way or another, I’m going to find her.”

Hackett’s countenance changed; head tilted to one side, clicked his tongue against the back of his teeth. He stepped back, taking James in, his hands no longer held behind him but hanging loose at his sides.

“There’s a ship heading out in two days to reassess the Citadel’s orbit and complete a minor clean up of the surrounding debris. It’ll be out there for 36 hours. They can drop you off at their rendezvous point. But,” he added as James went to speak, “they won’t wait for you.”

James’ heart lept. “Sir, thank you.”

“You go alone.”

James’ glee stuttered to a halt. No backup? That was suicide! He narrowed his eyes at Hackett. That prick was trying to scare him off, get rid of him even. “What about a non-Alliance squad?”

“All your alien allies have gone back to their homeworlds, you know that.”

“You want to find Shepard? Then _you_ will go and find Shepard.” Hackett punctuated his words with a finger pointed at James.

“But I need a squad. You can’t send me up there alone.”

“The only place I want to send you, Vega, is Rio. This mission is all of your own making.” Hackett said. “But if you can find any civilians stupid enough to follow you, then by all means, take them away. We’d be better off without them.”

James flushed at Hackett’s insinuation, thanked him instead.

“I’m forwarding you the data we have on Shepard’s last known location and the reports from the stablisation party. Kodiak NS-6 departs from hangar F54 in two days. Good luck, Commander.”

James returned Hackett’s salute, body stiff, rage seeping through him. Hackett dismissed him and James turned and left, door sliding closed.

Out in the antechamber, James clenched his fists, rage boiling up. Fuck the promotion. That didn’t mean shit. Fuck Hackett. Fuck the whole Alliance. Kaidan’s face swam into view. He hadn’t looked at James with embarrassment. It was guilt. He knew James was being discharged, knew he’d report to Hackett. He _knew_ what James didn’t know. Fuck _Kaidan_. Why the fuck had he not told James? Why would he _lie_ to him?

He ignored the secretary, ignored everyone as he stormed out of the building and headed straight for the gym. There were two ways he could deal with this. Fight, or die. Looked like Hackett was expecting him to choose the latter. But he wouldn’t go down without a fight. Not this time.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was really painful to write :(

_One, two, three. One, two, three._ James danced around the punching bag with well-practiced ease. Light on his feet, he threw punches left and right, counting, _one, two, three_ , a rhythm that aimed for calm and meditation. Instead, every punch reignited his rage, every jab to the wrists a reminder of what he’d lost. Sweat mixed with blood on the bag, knuckles stinging from the rub of vinyl on grazed skin. His shoulder burned from the strain and even though he knew he should take it easy on his still-healing body, he couldn’t care. _One, two, three_.

How could Kaidan have not told him? James had asked every day since waking up. _Where’s Shepard? Who’s looking for Lola?_ Why had he let Hackett be the one break the news? Kaidan would’ve at least shown some emotion. They could have grieved together, remembered the good times, remembered that last moment together in that bombed out pub before they’d set out for the last  fight.

What good would knowing have done, though? James would’ve torn himself out of that hospital bed and gone ape shit, that’s what would’ve happened. That, or… no. He wouldn’t’ve been able to get his hands on enough painkillers. The only way to kill the pain wracking him now was to dull it with the ache of pushing himself until his body strained in protest. Then push more.

With one final yell, one final punch, he screamed his frustration into the swinging bag.

“James.”

James whirled around to see Kaidan standing in the centre of the room.

“You fucking asshole!” James stormed over, took a wild swing. Kaidan dodged, going on reflex. “You knew! You knew and you didn’t tell me. You fucking _lied_ to me.” He took another swing but Kaidan had his guard up this time and blocked the punch.

“She’s gone, James. You have to accept it.” Kaidan wasn’t fighting back, just blocking James’ hits.

“Fuck you!” He lunged and connected with Kaidan’s chin, a crack that had Kaidan staggering back, shaking his head. James followed it up with another hit, low, right on his unguarded stomach. Kaidan doubled over and James bounced back, punching the air and growling. “Come on and fight me, fucking pussy.”

Kaidan glared at James and rushed him but he wasn’t an expert at hand to hand, not like James. James dodged easily and returned with a wide hook, his knuckle smacking into Kaidan’s temple.

“That all you got? I expected better from someone who’d served under Shepard for so long.” James hopped back, waiting for Kaidan to bite.

Kaidan flared blue, let out a roar. James felt himself lift off the ground, engulfed in blue light. Then he flew backwards. He hit the wall with a whump and landed on the floor. He shook his head, startled that Kaidan had just used his biotics on him. Blood oozed over his tongue, seeped down his throat. The coppery tang felt thick as he swallowed. Then he laughed. Starting low in his stomach, laughter bubbled up, unable to be contained. Kaidan’s corona flickered away but his body remained taut. James, still shaking with unhinged laughter, crawled up on his hands and knees, watching drops of blood fall to the floor. He lurched upright, wiped his nose with the the back of his hand, smearing the blood over his cheek. He staggered over to Kaidan. The man looked horrified.

“That’s more like it,” James said, grinning. “Hit me again.” He spat out a gob of blood and braced himself.

But Kaidan just shook his head, backed away.

“No. Don’t you fucking dare, Kaidan. You don’t get to walk away from this.” The manic laughter died and the rage returned. James rushed Kaidan again but he ducked out of James’ path.

“Stop it!” Kaidan cried.

“Make me.” James lunged again, getting a hold on Kaidan this time, grabbing him by the waist and tackling him to the ground, yanking him so he landed on his front, his shoulder taking the brunt. He pinned Kaidan down, twisting his arm behind his back, holding it in place. Kaidan let out a cry. “That it, Major? You give up? No more biotic tricks?” Kaidan wasn’t even struggling, he just lay there, panting under James, wincing as James jerked his arm back more. “You’re pathetic.” He spat out more blood. “You don’t deserve these.” He pulled at the chain around Kaidan’s neck, freeing the three dog tags that hung together. He held Shepard’s tag between his thumb and forefinger. “Shepard’s memory doesn’t deserve you.”

Kaidan flared beneath him, his biotics sending a shock over James’ body, lifting him up. He let go of Kaidan's arm but held tight to the tag until Kaidan rolled over and launched him in the air again.

He landed on his back, sharp pain stabbing his shoulder. More blood trickled down his throat. Kaidan stalked up to him, his fists balled, face distorted with rage.

“Finally,” James said. “Found the magic word, huh? Just say ‘Shepard’ and you go all loco.” He spat at the ground, clearing his nose and mouth.

Kaidan loomed over him. “Don’t,” he ground out.

James lifted his head, thrust his chin up. “Shepard.” He grinned, vicious, teeth and lips and chin glistening red.

Kaidan winced, closed his eyes and turned away, pain written clearly over his face. “She’s gone,” he whispered.

“She’s not!” James yelled, slamming his fist on the ground. “She can’t be!”

Kaidan didn’t break his gaze. Just looked down at the bloody mess of James sprawled on the floor. Pity this time. James didn’t need pity.

“How do you even know?” he growled. “You haven’t even looked. You’re just gonna believe the shit Hackett tells you?” James went to sit up but his leg protested and his shoulder twisted. He flopped back down.

“Her suit’s dark.” Kaidan said lamely.

“What the fuck does that matter? She can live without her suit.” James checked himself, bit back a sob. “She’s not gone. She can’t be…”

Kaidan held his hand out for James to grab. James ignored it.

“You need to get to a medic,” Kaidan said softly.

“Fuck you,” he spat. His body ached but he didn’t feel broken. Just bruised.

Kaidan gave him that piteous look again and sighed, turning and walking away.

James forced himself to sit, groaned through the pain and watched him leave.

“You’re full of shit, Kaidan,” he called. “You think Shepard can ever really die? She’s immortal. You’ll see.”

Kaidan paused, but didn’t turn.

James sensed his chance of victory. Time to land the final blow. “I’m going up there and I’m not coming back without her,” he yelled.

Kaidan turned slowly, met his eyes from across the gym, his face briefly softening before hardening again. Then he left, leaving James alone, bloody, bruised, and beaten.


	4. Chapter 4

For once the memorial wall wasn’t crowded. James stood in front of it, rolling his shoulder, huffing at the twinge in the socket while he cast a glance at the names of the dead and missing. He’d stopped here on his way back from the medic, still smarting from the bawling out he’d received, a lecture he didn’t need but certainly deserved. Medi-gel slapped on with more force than necessary, stinging and burning the bruises away.

His attention kept wandering from the names he tried to memorise, skipping over his fight with Kaidan, instead focusing on Hackett’s pathetic offer. What was he supposed to do? Go up there by himself? Find some mercs? That was loco. He could ping Scars, ask if he wanted to help out a buddy. But there was no point. Palaven was just as fucked as Earth and he wouldn’t be able to get here in time.

Two days. He had two days to read the intel and find a crew. Like that was going to happen. He sighed, started mentally preping himself for a one way trip. Maybe he’d head to Purgatory, pour himself a ryncol. One last drink for one last fight.

“Excuse me, excuse me?” a voice to James’ left cut through his thoughts.

James turned to scowl at the guy, crossing his arms. Didn’t seem to have an effect.

“You’re Lieutenant Vega, right? Of the _Normandy_. You served with Commander Shepard.”

James eyed the guy. He looked familiar, all eager blue eyes and short blond hair, neat goatee. Couldn’t quite place him though.

“It’s Commander now. What’s it to you?” James replied.

Blondie’s eyes went wide, lips moving, silently forming James’ new rank. He started forward, about to say something out loud but stopped. Then his body slumped and his hands fell to his side.

“Commander Shepard. I… I miss her. That’s all.” Blondie stared at the ground.

Miss her? How could some random guy claim to miss Commander Shepard? _James’_ Commander Shepard. Not like this guy had fought with her, seen her run from him. Run away and never come back. Wanker.

“I saved her life once, you know.” Blondie looked up, malise gone, replaced with that puppy-dog energy again.

“Uh huh.” James turned back to face the memorial wall, scanned over the S’s, skipping the Sanders, searching for Shepard’s name. It wasn’t there. Yet. He’d saved Shepard’s life, as well. Too many times to count. But he hadn’t been there at the end, when it really mattered.

“Yeah. There was this crazy guy, and he had a gun! Down in the refugee area.” Blondie waved his hand at the sky, indicating the Citadel, still parked up above London like a scrap car that the council hadn’t towed yet. “I’m a doctor, that’s why I was there. Anyway, this _Cerberus_ guy--bunch of crazies--he pulled his gun and shot Shepard! But I jumped in the way, took the bullet for her. That’s how much she means to me.” Blondie ended his story, staring wistfully off into the distance while James gaped at him.

Blondie was no stranger. James had heard of him, heard the crew laugh about him at Shepard’s expense. She’d laughed about this very incident, giggling as they knocked back beers in the lounge after departing the Citadel. What was his name? Veneer? Werner? Verner? Yeah, Verner. Conrad Verner...

“I heard they stopped looking for her. It’s an outrage, absolutely disgraceful. She needs to be brought home even if--even if…”

“I’m going to look for her!” James blurted out.

Conrad stared at him wide eyed. “You are?”

“Yeah. You wanna come with?” The words were out his mouth before he could even stop himself.

“Really? Me? You want _me_ to come help search for Commander Shepard?”

James shifted, rubbed his neck. “Yeah. I mean, it’s my mission. You’ll have follow my orders even though you’re, uh, civilian.” James’ brain caught up with his mouth. “Wait. Do you even have armour? Firepower?”

Conrad nodded enthusiastically. “Uh huh, sure do. I got a replica of Shepard’s N7 armour, made by Elkoss Combine. I upgraded the shields, too. No shooting me in the back!. And I have a Lancer--the old style, without those stupid thermal clips.”

James raised an eyebrow. He’d prise that N7 badge off the chest piece the first second he got. And the Lancer? Old, but effective.

“I wanted to get a mantis, just like Shepard, but they’re really heavy and even with the lift assist--”

James raised his hand, cutting off Conrad’s babbling. “Cool. That sounds good. I can work with that.”

Conrad stuck his hand out and James gripped it. “Conrad, Dr. Conrad Verner at your service, sir.” His grin was infectious, James grinning back.

“Pleasure’s all mine, Conrad.”

James outlined the plan, which at the moment only consisted of departure and return dates. But Conrad didn’t seem to care. James straightened, wrapped up the conversation by flicking Conrad his details.

Conrad beamed, “Thank you sir, Lieuten--Commander sir, thank you so much. I won’t let you down.” Then, with a salute more crisp than even James could manage, “I await your orders.”

James laughed, really laughed for the first time in weeks.

This mission would either be a huge success or an utter disaster. Only time would tell which.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At last! The comic relief has arrived.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we encounter the first of the unresolved plot holes...

James left the memorial wall with a spring in his step. It might be premature, but he felt good about the upcoming mission. Having Conrad to babysit meant he wouldn't be alone, would have some responsibility. But he couldn’t go with just one civilian. Sure, the guy might have a Lancer but that didn’t mean he knew how to use the thing. No, James needed someone else. Someone technically not Alliance. Someone who could be in two places at once.

He headed straight for the hangars, hoping he’d catch her alone.

*

Getting EDI in on his plan was easy. Convincing Joker was harder.

“No. No way man. Go up there and kill yourself if you want, but don’t drag anyone else into your suicide mission.” Joker pulled himself up to his full height, an attempt at intimidation that was laughably pathetic.

James crossed his arms, loomed over the much smaller figure of Joker. “With all due respect, _fly boy_ , EDI is her own woman. She can make her own decisions.”

Both men turned to EDI. She stood there passively, turning her attention between the two men, head tilted with thought.

“Come on, EDI. Don’t do this. It’s crazy. Shepard’s gone, you have to know that.” Joker pleaded.

“While it is true that neither Major Alekno nor myself have been able to locate Shepard, there is no reason to suspect that she is ‘gone’. She may no longer be alive, but she may still be in one piece. Recovering a body will bring closure to many, I suspect.” EDI explained.

James swallowed hard. He wasn’t going up there looking for a body. Shepard was alive, she promised she’d come back. But what did EDI just say about Kaidan?

Joker threw his arms in the air. “You’re an AI! You’ve got bigger brains than us. Apply some logic to this. It’s been months.” He turned to James, shrugging. “She’s gone.”

“You may have spent the last few months swallowing Hackett’s bull, but I’ve just woken up to it. EDI’s right. Shepard needs to come home. Whether she’s… or...” He couldn’t admit that possibility to himself just yet. She was still there, still breathing. Waiting.

Joker flipped his cap off, ran his hand through his hair. “You’re an even bigger idiot than you look.” He turned to EDI. “Don’t do anything stupid, please. Not everyone needs to die for the reapers. Or Shepard.” He hobbled away, James and EDI watching until he passed out of sight.

“He’s got it bad for you,” James grinned. “Can’t blame him,” he added, muttering. “Hey, what did you mean about you and K searching for readings?”

EDI tilted her head, eyeing James with her ‘thinking’ face, the one she wore while trying to parse human behaviour.

“The Major and I have been trying to locate Shepard using her suit’s transponders and radio frequencies. However, after she activated the crucible, no more data was forthcoming.”

James swallowed hard. Kaidan hadn’t said that _he_ had been trying to find Shepard. And James didn’t know anything about what had happened when the crucible had fired--couldn’t remember anything after their choked goodbye to Shepard. Kaidan’d only updated him on how they’d made it back to the Normandy, Steve risking his own life to fly them there, and how Chakwas had had to knock him out to get him to stop raving. His next memory had been waking up in a field hospital on Earth, screaming while Kaidan held his hand.

“Hackett said there’s interference up there. You know her last location? We’ll go there first, work back.” If what EDI said was true, then James owed Kaidan  a massive apology. But he couldn’t think about that now.

EDI nodded. “Are you taking anyone else on this mission?”

James rubbed his neck. “No Alliance guys, Hackett’s vetoed that. So, you. And, uh, you remember Conrad Verner?”

EDI smiled. “Yes, I am well acquainted with Dr Verner. He will make an interesting addition to our team.”

“Sure will,” James muttered, rubbing his shoulder. “Okay, I gotta get ready. I’ll send you the details. What little I have.”

“Commander Vega. Allow me to share my data with you. It may help us locate Shepard. Or perhaps update you on what happened before we lost contact.”

James nodded, grateful for the offer but also reluctant to know what had gone down. He pulled his omni up and accepted the terabytes of data EDI had. He sighed. This was gonna take ages to sort through.

As they shook hands, EDI leaned in, rested her left hand on James’ shoulder--a very human gesture.

“James. Congratulations on your promotion. You will make an excellent commander.”

James nodded once, heart swelling with pride at EDI’s words. Yeah. They might actually be able to find Shepard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had every intention of explaining how EDI survived the destroy ending, but I forgot/didn't know how/it didn't fit. So, just go with it.


	6. Chapter 6

With his crew recruited, James found himself twiddling his thumbs. He’d tried reading Hackett and EDI’s intel but the words weren’t sticking and his eyes glazed over at the numbers. Something nagged at him, itched under his skin, telling him to go and wait for Shepard where she said she’d be. Not that going there would do much good, he thought, but it couldn’t hurt. He checked the time, did a quick calculation in his head. If he left now, he’d be able to touch down in London, see the sights, make it back to Vancouver in time for departure.

He stopped by his quarters, stuffed his bag with a change of clothes, a datapad, and his Normandy badge--for good luck--then headed straight back to the hangars.

*

Fuckin’ rain. Drops flicked in his eyes, blurring his vision as he looked up at the sign on some non-descript street corner in London. _The Sovereign_. Yeah, this was the place. Cleaned up a bit though. He pushed the door open and stepped inside. Cleaned up inside, too. The ornate plaster ceiling had been restored, fresh coat of white paint reflecting light from the red lamp shades. The carpet, still garish, felt soft underfoot even through his boots. A low hum of voices greeted him and the bartender nodded when he caught his eye. James made his way in, feeling out of place. None of the people here looked like military. Just civilians dealing with the English weather the only way they knew how. Funny how this pub had been in the centre of the forward operating base just a few months ago. Felt like years. Or days. James couldn’t be sure.

Shepard had sat just over there, in that booth, holding Kaidan’s hand when James had walked in. They’d had the place to themselves. The three of them. Felt right, hands gripped in a too tight embrace. All sense of propriety gone, but far too late to act on what had been unsaid for months. Didn’t matter. They said more in the silence of this derelict pub than could’ve been said with words anyway.

The thunk of a dart hitting the board roused James from his memories, the smell of beer calling him to the bar.

“What can I get you?” the barman asked. James paused, unsure if he'd heard him correct, cockney accent playing havoc with his translator.

“Uh. Stout. That one.” He pointed to the tap, recognising the label. Same kind as last time but pulled from a keg instead of a bottle.

“Pint?” the barman asked. “You want a pint,” he added, seeing James hesitate. The barman grabbed a pint glass and started pouring. “You’re not from around here, are you?”

“Nope.” He wasn’t looking for conversation.

“You military?”

“Did the uniform give me away?” he replied, unable to tamp down the sarcasm.

The barman either didn’t notice or didn’t care. Plonked the glass on the bar, thick white head flowing over the sides of the otherwise dark brown brew. “Heard this place saw a bit of action during the war. Sure was a mess when I was finally allowed back in. Looters had been through and everything.”

James nodded, brought his omni up to pay.

“No no, my friend, this one’s on the house.” The barman waved James away. “Heard Commander Shepard started her assault just around the corner. Don’t know if you were there or not and frankly, I don’t want to know. What I saw on the vids scared the shit out of me. But you’re Alliance and you're human, and you’re scarred to all buggery, ‘scuse my French, so you must have been doing something to save us all. So. Drinks on the house.”

The guy had no idea. “Thanks.” James said, feeling slightly guilty about the three bottles he’d pilfered the last time he’d been here. Looters, yeah. But the guy looked so proud to be serving an Alliance man. So James picked up his glass and moved to the booth they’d sat in last time he was here.

No one paid James any attention as he sipped at his glass, scanning the faces of the patrons, looking for someone familiar. Of course she wasn’t here. She wasn’t coming. She said she would be, but she wasn’t. James sighed. He should’ve stayed in Vancouver, not be fucking about in London. But the three of them had made a promise and despite everything he’d been told, James’ sense of honour meant he was duty-bound to that promise. He swallowed down his guilt with his stout, both sitting heavy in his stomach, thinking of EDI’s revelation and the crap he’d yelled at Kaidan. He sat the glass down and rubbed his eyes. Now wasn’t the time for guilt. He had a mission to plan, a crew to look after. He’d come here for a reason, and he’d better get started.

He brought up his omni, found the folder with EDI’s data. Screeds filled the screen, all logged in date order. Made his eyes hurt. Skipped it, opening Hackett’s folder instead. Also jammed with files. But one stood out: Classified: Executive Summary, Citadel Assessment, dated a couple of months back.

He skimmed the report, skipping over the military jargon to pull out the good bits. The Citadel, its arms still closed, sat in a stable geosynchronous orbit above Earth, still stationed above the United Kingdom, causing grumblings from the residents about blocked sunlight and an ominous chill. No communications were forthcoming, all channels returning static. _No signatures indicative of life_.

James flicked away the report, unwilling to believe it, despite recognising and respecting the names of the team who’d been sent to investigate. He returned to EDI’s data, scrolled through until a file name caught his eye. Data logs running to tens of thousands of lines.

The first one was dated the day after the war was won.

>>Maj Alenko requesting access to hard suit, Cdr Shepard.  
Access authorised.... No data found.

>>Maj Alenko requesting access to Cdr Shepard, frequency: ground team S.A.V.  
Access authorised.... Connection not available.

>>Maj Alenko requesting access to Cdr Shepard, frequency: private channel Berry Bee.  
Access authorised.... Connection not available.

>>Maj Alenko requesting location of Cdr Shepard, suit ID 399-26-10  
No data matches this request.

The list went on. The same requests every day for months. Sometimes, the same request was sent twice, one after the other, like he’d gotten tired and forgotten he’d already asked.

Kaidan had been looking for Shepard, doing it the only way he could: hacking data banks and comm channels. A wave of guilt surged through James, his shoulder twinging from the memory of Kaidan hurling him through the air, hurt more by James’ words than his punches.

Then he found an audio file. Recorded on board the _Normandy_ , on the bridge. James set it to play in his earpiece, then he sat back, the plush velvet cushions welcoming him. He shut down his omni’s screen and folded his arms.

 _“_ Kaidan, shit, you gotta listen to this _.”_ Joker’s voice rang clear.

 _“_ I’m here, what is it? _”_ Kaidan, out of breath.

 _“Anderson!”_ Shepard’s voice called out, crackly over the comm. There was a pause, then she spoke again, voice low, rough. _“Illusive Man, I should’ve known… You're playing with things you don’t understand. With power you shouldn’t be able to use.”_

James sucked in a breath, not believing what he was listening to.

“Joker, can you clean the signal, get anything else?” Kaidan again.

After a pause, Shepard’s voice came through clearer, static all but gone.

 _“_ Only got her side, sorry.” Joker answered.

“It’ll have to do.” Kaidan replied.

James listened to the one sided conversation between Shepard and the Illusive Man. He’d read Shepard’s reports from her time with Cerberus, had a few halting conversations with her about him, he knew the guy was loco. But hearing Shepard argue with him, whatever he was saying… the man had clearly so far round the bend he’d gone full circle and reached a whole new level of crazy.

 _“You’re stronger. Don’t let them them win. Break their hold. don’t let them control you.”_ Shepard ordered, voice strong, commanding. After all the Illusive Man had done, she still tried to reason with him, get him to see sense. She was kidding herself if she thought she could change him now. A shot rang out--sounded like her pistol--and James sucked in a breath along with everyone else in the recording.

“Shepard,” Kaidan whispered.

Hackett’s voice rang through loud and clear. _“The arms are opening, prepare to dock the crucible.”_

“This is incredible. We actually made it. She’s going to save us.” Liara? Doc was up on the bridge, too? She must have been referring to the Crucible docking.

 _“Anderson. You okay?”_ Shepard‘s laboured breath huffed through the comm and James heard the collective sigh of relief from the people in the bridge. Whoever got shot, it wasn’t Shepard. “ _... We did it…_ _Best seats in the house._ _Think you earned a rest. Stay with me. We're almost through this_ … _Thank you sir. Anderson?_ ” Shepard sighed, resignation mixed with pain, desperation in the way she called Anderson’s name.

“Not Anderson,” Kaidan muttered. “Why can’t we patch through to her? Talk to her? Find out what’s happening?” He sounded remarkably calm. James didn’t think he’d be able to stay calm in that situation.

“I’m trying, Major, but I can’t establish a connection.” A new voice. Samantha. Came over the comm line though. She must’ve been down in the CIC.

“EDI? What channel’s Hackett on?” Kaidan asked.

Before EDI could reply, Hackett’s voice came through, telling Shepard that the Crucible wasn’t firing.

“Come on, Shepard.” That was Garrus, voice low and rumbly, up in the bridge with Joker, Kaidan, and Liara. Getting cramped up there.

 _“Normandy, do you copy?_ ” Hackett said.

“Loud and clear, Admiral.” Joker replied.

_“What’s your status?”_

“We’re one hundred clicks clear of the Citadel, sitting pretty. Got a good view. You hearing Shepard’s comm? Sounds wild up there.”

 _“Can you get a patch through to her? I’ve lost contact.”_ Hackett said.

“We haven’t been able to establish a connection with her, sir. Just receiving her outgoing--”

“Shepard!” Kaidan called. “Dammit, Berenice, do you read me?” His voice wavered.

“Kaidan.” Garrus again.

“Garrus, damn, calm him down. Admiral, we’ve got a no go on Shepard. Had her incoming but we can’t call out.” Joker explained. “Wait, you seeing what I’m seeing?”

James didn't know what he was referring too. All he heard was the hushed swear words in a number of human and alien languages.

The silence dragged on until Shepard’s voice cut through.

_“What? Where am I?”_

James strained to hear every sound. He should pause this, leave, go back to London HQ and listen to the rest in the privacy of his own room. But he sat in that booth, transfixed by Shepard’s voice. He didn’t know who she spoke to. Neither did the crew on the bridge, judging from the confusion.

From the questions she asked, it sounded like Shepard was being offered choices, different ways to defeat the reapers. It didn’t make any sense. Just fire the damn thing and come home. Whatever was happening, James felt glad that he’d slept through it all. Hearing this now, months after the event, his skin crawled, heart threatening to thump its way out of his chest. How the others were managing to keep it together, he didn’t know. Though the choked sobs in the background told him not all of them were coping.

“ _All right. Let’s get this over with_.” Shepard said, talking to herself. The next minute dragged on, full of laboured breathing, her pain and strain evident through the comm.

Then the explosion. It blasted through James’ earpiece making him jump. Beer sloshed over the side of his glass.

“No! Not again!” Kaidan cried. From the muffled protests, it sounded like Kaidan was struggling against something.

“Lost suit readings,” Samantha said.

“Shit,” Joker and Garrus both muttered.

“Shepard, Berenice.” Kaidan’s voice crumbled, a mere sob.

Hackett’s calm voice cut through. “ _All fleets, the Crucible is armed. Disengage and head to the rendezvous point_.”

“Liara, get Kaidan out of here. Knock him out if you have to.” Garrus took charge. “Joker, you heard Hackett. Get to Charon. Now.”

“No, we can still save her,” Joker protested. “... Okay. Fine.” Whether he meant the Normandy or Shepard, James couldn’t tell. Both, probably.

Another explosion, a burst of traffic babble, then silence. The recording ended.

James sat still, stunned at what he’d just heard. The chatter of the pub filtering back into his consciousness. Joker, Kaidan, Garrus, and Liara had all been on the bridge, had all been privy to Shepard ending the reapers. His guts churned. He should’ve been there--not on the bridge--but up there with her, instead of her, even. If that stupid mako hadn’t landed on him… Ah, shit. Wouldn’t’ve made a difference. No one had gone looking for Shepard so there was sure as hell no reason why anyone would’ve gone up there looking for James either.

And Kaidan. Kaidan had heard it all. _Not again_ , he’d said. The realisation punched James hard, winding him, taking his breath away. _Not again_. Kaidan had witnessed Shepard die on him _again_. First over Alchera, then over Earth.

No, she wasn’t dead, not this time. James refused to believe it.

He scrolled through the files, selected another. Video this time. The feed from the bridge cameras. No sound. The Citadel filled the view, Earth below, explosions erupting from the surface as the reapers continued their destruction. The Citadel arms slowly opened, all the way out, like a flower chasing the sun. The crucible, a hulking great pile of unknown and untested tech made its way to the centre of the Citadel. Too slow. James sped up the the feed, paused it as the crucible lit up. He rewound a couple of seconds, hit play and, watched with horror as the the crucible exploded, a horrible red beam shooting out from the Citadel’s centre. Then the camera jerked as a wave of energy hit the ship. The feed went black, only for a second, coming back on to show the lights of the wards flickering out from the centre, to the tips, and back again. Under other circumstances, it would have been pretty. But then the arms closed again and the Citadel was engulfed in darkness. The view changed as the Normandy turned, filling the screen with sight of the surrounding allied ships all headed in the same direction. The feed cut off, ending.

James downed the last mouthful of his... pint, looked around. Did these people sitting here, laughing and talking away, know the truth? Could they look up and see Shepard’s coffin? See what Shepard had done for them? Disgust and anger at these civilians, these survivors, filled James. He needed to leave.

He slipped out from the booth and left without a second glance. Night had fallen and the rain had stopped. He glanced up, looking for the Citadel high above. A sliver of light reflected off its side, a skinny moon in the night sky. Shepard was up there. James’ stomach rumbled, reminding him that all he’d had consumed this afternoon was one pint of stout. The fast food shops beckoned as he stalked the streets, headed back to the base. He’d eat there. He’d walk. And hope it was enough to distract himself from the thoughts clamouring for attention.

*

When James sat down for dinner, plate piled high, some of the marines figured out who he was, wanted to talk to him, buy him beers, ask him about the shit he’d seen, if the shit they’d heard about Shepard was true. Fortunately, Major Coats sensed James’s discomfort and fielded the questions, leaving James to eat and brood in silence. He finally escaped, telling them he had reports to write up.

Full of pie, Shepherd’s pie, the mess sergeant had called it, and more beer, James lay back in bed, staring at the ceiling. Kaidan. Kaidan had heard it all, seen it all, _again_. All those times he'd sat with James in that hospital, all those times James had asked while laid up. Kaidan had just ummed and ahhed, repeating that “they were looking for her.” Maybe he’d been in denial, not ready to give up his own search. But still, what was the point in fudging the truth? They could’ve grieved together. Would’ve saved them both a lot of pain. James rubbed his shoulder, winced as his fingers bit into the muscle.

He groaned from guilt and pain, pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes. It was no use. He wasn’t going to get to sleep like this.

He rolled out of bed, landed on his feet and hands, back and legs straight, dropped to the floor, centered his breathing, and pushed up. _One_. Down. Up. _Two._ Down. Up. _Three.._. He continued until he collapsed from exhaustion, falling asleep on the floor next to his bunk.


	7. Chapter 7

“Hey Vega, we fuck off in nine minutes.”

James waved away newly promoted Captain Jackass--sorry. Captain Bryant. The stuck up prick thought he was God’s gift to the galaxy. James’ crew were already on board, Conrad looking like he’d pee himself with excitement, EDI her usual calm quiet self. James stood outside, checking the latest updates on his omni, making the most of the fresh Earth air before having to make do with the recycled air of the shuttle and his helmet. He’d made his final preparations this morning on arriving back from London, getting to the hangar early and stowing his gear. Hackett had provided him with an update. Nothing new. Signals were still jammed, nothing coming out or going in. Kaidan nagged at the back of his mind, his dog tags burning hot against his chest. Too late to contact him now.

He lowered his arm and his omni flicked off. Time to get on board and get suited up. Wouldn’t take long to get to their Citadel LZ.

“James! Hey, wait!”

James turned to see Kaidan pushing his way past the marines milling around. He clenched his jaw. Kaidan was the last person he wanted to see right now.

Kaidan stopped in front of him, catching his breath. “Don’t do this, James, please,” he pleaded. Desperate. Too loud.

James looked around, conscious of the audience. A couple of guys caught his eye but they went back to their own conversations quickly enough. He grabbed Kaidan by the arm, pulled him further away from the crowd.

“Why didn’t you tell me, asshole,” he spat out.

Kaidan shied away, liked he expected another fight.

“The recording. I listened to it. Why didn’t you tell me you heard the whole thing? Saw it happen?” James said.

Kaidan made to move again but James grabbed him by the shoulders, held him steady.

“Why?” he demanded.

“Would it’ve made any difference?” Kaidan asked, staring up at James.

James stared back, teeth grinding again. _No_. “You should have told me.”

“You don’t know what it was like. You were out of it, demanding your gun even though you could hardly stand. Chakwas had to knock you out. It was the only way we could get you out of your armour and into surgery. Joker patched through to the med bay, told me to get up to the bridge. I went.” He wiped his eyes but James didn’t relax his grip. “I heard it all, James. I heard it again. I heard her die. Again. Do you have any idea what that’s like? Hearing it once, seeing her... I… I couldn’t …. When the Citadel… when it… when all we got was static, I just…” Kaidan shrank before James’ eyes, crumpling as ugly sobs escaped. James pulled him against his chest, held him tight while Kaidan cried and clawed at his shoulders.

James’ guts twisted.

 _Again_.

“You didn’t give up though,” James said. “You haven’t given up. You’ve still been searching. EDI gave me the logs, gave me Shepard’s radio frequencies, her suit codes. You’ve been looking for her.”

Kaidan pulled himself out of James’ grip and snorted with a laugh. “No, not really. I did the same thing after the SR-1 went down, even though I’d… even though I knew. I had to, even when I was back on Earth, I still pinged her suit. Knew I wouldn’t get a response. But I did it anyway. There was no point, I knew she was gone but...” He wiped his nose with the back of his hand and looked up at James. “She’s gone, James. We all heard it, saw what happened to the Citadel. There’s nothing left up there.”

James stiffened. After all he’d heard and seen, he still hated to admit that Kaidan might be right. But there was still one reason to go. “Even if that’s true, I can still find her, bring her home. That big stupid memorial deserves a hero under it.”

Kaidan shook his head. “Please don’t go, James,” he whispered. “I need you. You’re all I have left.” He looped his finger around the chain of James’ dog tags, pulled them free of his shirt. “Three of us, remember? There’s just two now. Don’t make it one.”

James blanched, seeing the tags, remembering how he’d said that Kaidan didn’t deserve them. But Kaidan had more than just those tags. “You’re not alone. You’ve still got your mother. Maybe you should go--”

“No! No, it’s not the same. She hasn’t lived what we’ve lived. She doesn’t understand. Civilians never do. Anyway. She can’t give me what you can.”

“What’s that?”

Kaidan stepped into James’ space, pulled himself to full height, his hands firm as he gripped James’ waist. When he looked up James saw those brown eyes searching his own. Then Kaidan’s lips were on his, just briefly. Months of frustration melted away. Feelings that had remained buried during the war flowed to the surface. James’ heart lurched. He wanted this, wanted Kaidan. But he also wanted Shepard and she wasn’t here.

Kaidan started to pull away but James wouldn’t let him. He held him tight, returned with a tentative kiss of his own, trying and failing to ignore the rasp and tickle of Kaidan’s beard, the tears and snot smeared throughout. James needed Kaidan too. He’d kept him alive, both when he’d hauled his ass out of the firefight, and later, when he visited in the hospital. His calm and company had been the only thing standing between James and death. As Kaidan pressed his head against James’ shoulder, James saw what they could have, the three of them together. He needed to find Shepard. He pulled back, flushed and breathing hard.

“I’m coming back, K. You hear me? I’m coming back and I’m bringing Shepard home.” He turned away and wiped his face with his hand. After he’d composed himself, sucked in lungfuls of air, he turned back to Kaidan. Kaidan’d shrunk again, eyes welling up, tears threatening to return. James didn’t say anything. He just rested his hand on Kaidan’s shoulder before he walked away, back to the shuttle.


	8. Chapter 8

James listened to the Orbital Stabilisation crew as they made their final checks, ran through their briefs, checked each other’s gear. They sounded organised, a clear objective and the resources to pull it off. He glanced from the five seasoned marines to his own motley crew: a civilian and an AI. How the fuck would this work?

Conrad stared wide eyed at the marines, clearly in awe of sitting in such close proximity to such heroes. He’d been quiet since he’d met James at the hangar this morning, had his gear checked over, winced as James chiseled off the N7 badge on his armour that he hadn’t earned, listened to the lecture about what the designation meant and how James, for all he’d done in the war, still hadn’t done enough to earn the right to that badge. Looking over at him now, James felt a little bad at how harsh he’d been. He would need Conrad to work with him, cooperate, not be scared of him. Fuck, what was he thinking, bringing a civilian? Too late now. He turned to smile at EDI, strapped in next to him on the bench. He nudged her shoulder.

“Brings back memories, no?” he said.

“I recall smoother flights courtesy of Lieutenant Cortez.” EDI replied, voice low enough so only James would hear.

He snorted, held his fist up for a bump. EDI complied with a half-smile and tilted head.

“Touché, EDI, touché.”

“Approaching the LZ. Vega, this is your stop,” called the pilot. Might be rough on the controls, but at least she was polite.

His team unbuckled their belts, the two humans fixed their helmets then the trio moved to the doors.

The shuttle hovered and the door opened. A grey wall filled the view as they jumped out onto the ledge, their boots locking them down.

“Right, you fuckers. You got 36 hours. We’re not waiting,” Captain Bryant called.

“Fuck you too,” James replied. He was sure the blast of heat against his back from the thrusters was deliberate.

“What a… a despicable man!” Conrad exclaimed.

James laughed. Conrad had a lot to learn about marines. Poor guy wouldn’t get through basic.

James looked around. Something was wrong. They were supposed to be dropped off on the Presidium ring at an emergency airlock. He looked up and down. No airlock around. And this wasn’t the Presidium. To the right, the long length of the Citadel curved away in the distance, the end not even in sight. To the left, the closed end loomed large. A check on his omni confirmed that this was not the agreed LZ.

“Fucking prick,” he muttered. He sighed and turned to EDI who appeared to have come to the same realisation as James. She scanned the area with an air of detached annoyance.

“Regular Citadel defenses are disabled. I suggest we blast our way in. Then we may plot our revenge on the Captain.” The curl of her lips made James smile.

“I like the way you think, EDI. Blondie, gonna make some noise, stand back.” James paced backwards while priming a grenade, then he lobbed it against the shell of the Citadel.

The explosion rang in his ears, his barriers sizzling from the blast.

“Sweet!” Conrad whooped.

EDI and James went forward to clear the debris around the hole, big enough to let all three walk in without stooping. By EDI’s reckoning, they were in a keeper tunnel near the Presidium end of the wards, and another few grenades thrown in a straight line would lead them to an airlock and access to Zakera ward.

Eerie devastation greeted the trio as they climbed through a hole in a wall and popped into the ward. Emergency lighting threw dark shadows over the destruction and not a sound could be heard, not even the comforting background humm reminiscent of a space station. James’ HUD returned no information. No hostiles, no friendlies, no air... He tried his comms, pinging Kaidan back on Earth, just to let him know they’d arrived. Static. Team comms worked, but something inside the Citadel jammed their outgoing frequencies. No wonder they hadn’t heard from Shepard’s suit. He tried pinging Shepard, thinking--hoping--it might work now that they were inside the Citadel. Nothing. He frowned, doubt gnawing at his guts.

“Lights are on but nobody’s home,” he said to no one. He looked up. Pinpricks of light shone like stars from the wards opposite, and somehow the Citadel felt even more massive with its arms closed.

“I detect no life signatures,” EDI said.

“Everyone’s dead?” Conrad blanched. “But the Citadel holds thirteen million people at least! They can’t have all died!”

“Life support systems are non-functional,” EDI said. “I would advise that you keep your helmets on.”

“So the reapers shut up shop and everyone got dragged through the mass relay only to die.” James let out a low whistle. All those refugees who’d escaped the war to find safety here. All those people that called the Citadel home. Gone. The realisation caused James’ stomach to flip. If there was no life support, and no readings from Shepard’s suit, then… then even if they did find her…

Nausea roiled, bile rising in his throat. He wanted to take his helmet off and puke. But he couldn’t. He took a moment to ground himself, felt the warmth of the dog tags against his chest. Three. He was here for the three of them. He wouldn’t leave one alone back home. He straightened his back, rolled his neck and cracked his knuckles. Time to get to work.

He turned to his team. “Blondie. You good?” The man looked a little green through his visor.

He made a choked sound. “I… yeah.” He didn’t sound convincing. Then he straightened up, met James’ eye. “Yes. Yes sir, I’m fine. We’re here to find Shepard.”

EDI shared her map, indicated where they were now and where Shepard’s last known location was. James sighed. Citadel Tower: a long march away.

“Better get a move on,” he said, leading the way, keeping an ear and eye out for trouble.

The Citadel used to be so busy. Always someone pacing through the corridors, sky cars landing at the atriums, advertising clamoring for eyes and ears. This was… disconcerting to say the least. Thirteen million people. James hadn’t seen a single body. If the life support systems went down, then they would’ve all just turtled up, fallen down. But there was no one around. James couldn’t suppress the shiver. Too fuckin’ creepy. And then there were the corridors clear of debris, like someone had started the cleanup.

Ahead, a boom echoed through the cavernous hall. It sounded far away but they all froze.

James whispered to EDI but her reply got cut off as a shadow passed overhead, sending them ducking for cover. James grabbed Conrad, pulling him to safety when he didn’t move. That’ll teach James for bringing a civilian. A skittering sound echoed up the hall, getting closer. James poked his head around. What the-- A keeper? The keeper approached a pile of debris covering the path and pulled it away, dragging it to the side. It went back, grabbed another piece, dragged it away. The transmitter on its back made the occasional crackle but EDI couldn’t pick up the frequency it was using.

The keeper didn’t look hostile. A little interaction with EDI’s decoy confirmed James’ suspicions. Didn’t explain why they weren’t showing up on his HUD though.

“Maybe they’re not showing up because they’re not hostile. They’re just… neutral.” Conrad said.

James turned to face him. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Dr Verner is partially correct,” EDI said. “However, my systems are calibrated to detect all forms of organic and synthetic life. I am able to filter out the distractions that are of no consequence to my current mission. In this instance, the only forms detected are you and Dr Verner. The keepers remain hidden from me. They may be kept hidden under a protocol. No one knows how the keepers work, after all.”

“Uh huh, that sounds right,” Conrad piped up. “Commander Shepard scanned all the keepers a few years back. I watched her. It wasn’t allowed, you’re not allowed to interfere, but she did it anyway.”

That sounded like Shepard. And Conrad watching her? That was kinda creepy. Though he hadn’t done anything hugely wrong yet and he didn’t give off any bad vibes. All the stories James’d heard from the crew painted the guy as Shepard’s harmless yet excitable number one fan. Though, as Garrus had said once while a few of the crew sat round the poker table, Conrad’s love for Shepard had nothing on James’. James had blushed and Kaidan had laughed so hard he’d spilled his drink.

James swallowed the memory down, stood up and walked on. “Come on, let’s go. We’ll just ignore them.”

*

One grenade lobbed at a door and the trio walked into the Presidium. That glorious, sleek gateway to the galaxy lay in ruins, barely recognisable. Looked like a bomb, a hurricane, and an earthquake had all rolled through at once.

James looked up, surprised to see the Citadel Tower still in place. An orange dot glowed on his HUD: Shepard’s last known location.  He ran through her radio frequencies again, hailed her suit, pinged her omni. Still nothing. Still couldn’t reach Earth, either. He wanted to call Kaidan, tell him he was sorry, that he was an idiot. Was even prepared to admit that Hackett was right and Shepard was gone. But he couldn’t even do that. The dot flickered in his vision.

“Commander Shepard wouldn’t give up. So neither will we,” James said to himself, full of conviction. He came here to get Shepard, and get Shepard was what he’d do.

His little speech seemed to have roused Conrad. The guy made a little ‘harrumph’ and marched in the direction of the tower, leaving James and EDI behind. James smiled and jogged to take his rightful place on point, thinking Garrus had it wrong about just who Shepard’s biggest fan was.

*

“Hello Lieutenant Vega. Welcome to the Presidium.”

James jumped and ducked for cover, EDI on his tail with Conrad following immediately this time.

The trio peeked out from the strut they were behind. A holograph asari flickered, standing there patiently waiting. Avina. James shared a nod with EDI, both reckoning the coast was clear. He slipped out and walked up to Avina.

“Uh, hey.”

“Welcome to the Presidium, Lieutenant Vega. I am Avina. May I assist you during your visit today?”

James rubbed the back of his neck. It was a long shot, but… may as well ask.

“I’m looking for Commander Berenice Shepard. Have you seen her?”

“Commander Shepard, Spectre. Commonly known as the Saviour of the Citadel for her role in defeating the Geth attack of 2183--”

“Yeah, yeah. I know who she is. I wanna know _where_ she is. Do you know?”

“I am sorry. I am not programmed to keep track of the location of individual people.”

James sighed. Too good to be true.

“What’s going on here?” Conrad asked, slinking out from his hidey place. “Where is everyone?”

Avina paused, the holo glitching. “I am not authorised to discuss individual citizens.” She looked at the trio. “The only people I detect Dr. Conrad Verner, Lieutenant James Vega and Ms Eva Core.  Not to mention the keepers. But we don’t mention the keepers.”

Yeah, the keepers. They’d discovered that one. And her intel was wildly out of date. ‘Course his promotion wouldn’t have registered here yet. But Eva Core? Shit.

“What happened to everyone who _was_ here?” James asked.

“They died.” Avina stated. “All Citadel systems went through a hard reboot approximately six months ago. During this time, the Citadel was without power for 19 minutes. Only emergency power sources came back online, enough for the keepers to start repairs. There is, however, an anomaly in the power source. An increased level of energy is coming from the council chambers.

James glanced at his squad. “Let’s go. That’s where Shepard’s last reading was. She must still be there. That energy must be from her. Thanks, Avina.”

“Please speak with me again if you require further assistance.”

“It’s gotta be Shepard.” He strode off, setting a steady pace.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look. The science isn’t correct, I know. Just, please roll with it.

The Citadel Tower loomed above, cracks and fractures in its surface. James, EDI, and Conrad all stood before the edifice, craning their necks as they looked up. The lock on the elevator door did not shine. James stepped up and thumped it anyway. Nothing. Not even a warning of unauthorised access.

With Conrad’s help, he jimmied the doors open. A yawning chasm greeted him as he peered in. He turned to EDI, turning on the puppy eyes. “Any ideas?”

EDI tilted her head, smirked. “No power.”

He stepped back and looked up, hoping beyond all hope that they could get it working.

“Can you magic something up? Hack in, reroute some shit?”

“I’m afraid I can not do that, James.” She was way too amused with this situation.

James turned to Conrad, hoping for some empathy, but he was too busy looking up and muttering ‘wow’ under his breath.

“Fine. We’ll take the god-damned stairs.” James stomped over to the stair access, pulled out his pistol and unloaded a round into the door. Then he popped the heat sink and unloaded another round because he hadn’t had a decent opportunity to shoot anything yet. And it felt good. He jammed the doors open and called to EDI and Conrad, started his ascent up the wide spiral staircase.

*

EDI had overtaken the men after an hour. James had left Conrad panting behind him by the second. Finally though, James saw the door ahead, opened by EDI--without firepower, he noted--and staggered through to the Council Tower atrium. He bent over double, hands pressed against his knees, breathing in deep. Not enough air. Stale and recycled too. Shit, he could do with a beer right now.

James muted his comm, the sound of Conrad’s laboured breath right in his ear way too intimate. His head ached, dizzy from the spiral, stomach a little delicate. He stood up straight. Whoa, no. His stomach lurched and his head spun. Doubled over was safe. After a few more minutes of slow, measured breaths, he heard Conrad’s heavy steps reverberating up the stairs, then the man himself staggered through, propping himself up with both hands on the frame for a moment, before walking over with a distinct sway to his gait to join James.

“I’m gonna be sick.” Conrad said, hands on knees before collapsing on the floor and rolling onto his side.

“Don’t do it man. Vomit in your helmet sucks. Trust me.”

Conrad groaned in reply. EDI seemed entertained by the whole scene as she stood by, watching the two men recover.

“Twenty four thousand, nine hundred and eighty six,” she said.

James looked up at her. “What?”

“Twenty four thousand, nine hundred and eighty six. That is how many steps there were.” Amused _and_ smug.

James shook his head, muttered something about piggy back rides then looked around for the first time since staggering through the door.

The council chambers lay in ruins, even more than the rest of the Citadel. Didn’t look like any keepers had made it up here yet. Damn smart of them too, if they had to take those fucking stairs. Place looked smaller than in the vids, James thought. When he’d watched Shepard’s Spectre induction, the hall looked massive, the three council members presiding on their dias, Shepard down below, a faint smile on her face, like she was entertained by the absurdity of the proceedings. The admiration he’d felt, the pride even though he didn’t know her. But he’d followed her career closely after word got around of her efforts on Elysium, modeled his own career around hers as much as possible from then on. James’ HUD flashed, an orange blip, reminding him of his hero’s last known location. He brought up his omni, double checked EDI and Kaidan’s co-ordinates, his heart racing as his HUD updated with a more precise location. She’d been here, somewhere in all this shit.

“We go to Shepard’s last known point, start looking from there,” he announced.

They had to scramble up struts and broken walls. James was breathing hard--again--by the time he reached the top of the pile. He gasped as he took in the sight. Earth filled his view, laid out below. Whorls of white cloud covered the surface. Calm. Quiet. No reapers. No explosions. No more death and destruction.

EDI appeared over the lip of debris, moving silently, walked over to join James.

“Quite the view.” He tabbed in a shot of stims. It hit him immediately, making his blood bubble with energy. Conrad hauled himself over, tapping his omni for stims as well. James had to hand it to the guy. He was dedicated all right. Might make a marine out of him yet.

“Wow,” Conrad gasped.

The two men stood, spotting earth and ocean through breaks in the cloud. Looked real close from here, felt like he could walk up the ledge, reach out and grab a handful of cloud.

“Commander. I have found something.” EDI said.

James snapped his attention to EDI. She’d wandered away and stood at a console overlooking the same view. He hadn’t noticed it when he first came up, so totally absorbed by the sight of Earth. He wandered over and joined her.

“Power has been restored to this part of the Citadel. These consoles are active. Shepard was here. This is where she turned on the crucible.”

James’ heart lept. “Conrad, start looking,” he barked.

“Yes sir.” Conrad wiped his brow, his hand hitting his helmet, doing nothing.

“No, James. She only turned on the crucible from here but this is not where it was activated. It was activated elsewhere--”

“Mr Vega! I mean, Commander! Come here, quick!” Conrad’s distressed voice screeched in James’ ear.

He left EDI and rushed around the corner of the console to where Conrad stood pointing a shaking hand. Shit. He dropped to his knees in front of the body, scanning it despite knowing what the result would be. Anderson leaned against the bench like he’d just sat down for a rest. But he was long gone.

_Best seats in the house,_ Shepard had said. She’d sat here with him, both wrecked, pushed to the limits of their lives. James forced himself to look at Anderson’s face. Anderson. That man meant more to James than he’d ever know. Responsible for his promotion after the disaster of Fehl Prime. Responsible for hauling James’ ass out of Omega and onto the _Normandy_. Responsible for James’ N7 commendation. David Anderson had been the father figure James’ own father couldn’t be. Anderson had earned his rest, deserved to take his final leave at home, not up here.

“We need to take him home.” James said to himself.

EDI didn’t give him time to wallow though.

“I have detected a faint alert from Shepard. It is above us.”

He looked up. The walls went forever.

“How do we get up there?” he asked.

“There is a platform. It is currently at the top. I shall bring it down.” EDI tapped a few keys and James and Conrad watched as the platform descended.

James placed his hand on Anderson’s shoulder. “We’ll be back for you, sir,” he whispered. Then he joined EDI and Conrad on the platform.

The platform started back up, a smooth, fast rise. Beat stairs anyday.

“You think Shepard will be okay?” Conrad asked.

James didn’t answer. He could only hope.


	10. Chapter 10

The platform slowed to a halt. James turned in a tight circle, looking around. This was like no part of the Citadel he’d ever seen. Conrad let out a breathy “shit” and James had to agree. Massive cracked cylinders listed dangerously, support beams warped and contorted, like a giant had gone through and twisted them. The only light seemed to be coming from emergency power, the interior bathed in red while the bright of Earth reflected through the windows behind them. Then he saw the bubble. Small and blue, like Doc’s stasis field. Only it wasn’t suspended in the air. It sat like a dome over the floor. It hummed. The surface shifted, pearled and marbled shades of blue.

A keeper skittered into view, ignoring the newcomers. James watched as it approached the bubble. It paused, then the bubble dissipated and the keeper walked in. At the same time, James’ HUD burst into life, a cacophony of sirens and beeps warning him that one of his team had suffered serious injury and their suit had sustained catastrophic damage.

“Shepard!” James yelled. She lay on the floor, crumpled in burnt armour, barely recognisable but it was her. He raced forward only to slam into the reformed bubble. His HUD went silent again. “Shepard!” He thumped on the shell, his fists bouncing off the unforgiving surface, calling her again, squinting through the blue, trying to see what was happening.

James whirled around. “EDI. What’s happening? Get her out of there.”

EDI stepped up to the bubble, far too calm for the situation. She tilted her head. “This barrier is not biotic as such. It is ancient technology, one that I have not personally encountered before. The keeper appears to have the switch however there may be alternative switch nearby. Based on the readings from the barrier’s brief interruption, Shepard is inside. And alive.”

“I saw it too! She’s alive!” James laughed, wild and unhinged. “Her suit says she’s alive!” He went to grab Conrad, shake him, lift him off the ground and dance-- _she’s alive_. But he had his omni up already, shaking his head at whatever he was reading.

James sobered immediately. “Blondie? What’s wrong?”

Conrad looked up, eyes flitting from James to EDI to the bubble, then back down at his omni. He muttered something that James couldn’t catch.

“Hey, speak up. What is it?” James nudged Conrad.

Conrad shook his head, muttering. “Prothean barrier... curtain… security device… No no. It’s here somewhere…”

James tamped down his frustration, tried to ignore the butterflies in his stomach.

“Ah ha! Here it is! Yes, it’s Prothean all right. Once activated, it acts as a shield as well as a kind of life support system for the person inside. Blast proof, oxygen generation, stable gravity… The keeper must have activated it to keep Commander Shepard safe.”

“How do you know all this?” James asked. Seemed like the sort of shit only someone like Doc would know.

Conrad shifted, looking away from James. “Uh, um, I’m a xenotechnologist. I read widely.”

“This is the same type of field that Dr. T’soni activated while collecting archaeological data on Therum. The details of the subsequent report--written by Commander Shepard--are classified.” EDI explained, giving Conrad a curious look.

“Conrad. How’d you get classified information like that?” James asked. He was more amused than pissed.

Conrad held his hands up. “Look! I--I really like Commander Shepard, okay? I read everything I could about her, even if sometimes I had to dig a little to find the good stuff. Does it matter? I might be able to help!”

James could wonder about the effectiveness of Alliance firewalls later. Right now, Conrad was right. He might just have the key to unlocking this barrier.

“Okay. Fine. How do we get in?” he asked.

Conrad shifted again, scanning the report on his omni. “Uh, I’m not sure, sir. The report just says, ‘Heavy fire, blah blah blah… Lieutenant Alenko located a console and deactivated the barrier containing Dr Liara T’Soni...”

James looked around. No consoles in sight. He sighed. This was stupid. They’d gotten this far, they’d _found her_ and now she was stuck in some damn bubble? He started pacing, thinking. If Kaidan was here… He’d know what to do. Conrad passed James, pressed his head against the barrier, like looking in would provide all the answers.

Frustration bubbled up. “Why can’t we get any readings?” James kicked the ground, would have preferred something to punch.

“The barrier is dampening any signals. That, combined with the Citadel-wide communication blackout, is why we have been unable to detect any of Shepard’s distress calls until the barrier was deactivated.” EDI explained.

“Vega, sir! Look! The keeper!” Conrad frantically waved James over.

James hurried over. He cupped his hands and peered through the bubble.

“What the--” James watched as the keeper crouched over the body on the floor, little feet-hand things working over the suit. James couldn’t see what it was doing, but when it stepped back, her previously bare forearm was re-covered in armour. It skittered to the side, picked up what looked like a pile of rubbish, then returned, working away again. This time when it left, her left hand was covered in a glove. The fingers twitched, or maybe James imagined that.

“Shit. It’s repairing her armour.”

The keeper seemed done for the moment, wandered to the edge of the field. James and Conrad stumbled forward as the field dissolved. His HUD exploded into life again, and in the two seconds it took him to mute the warnings, the keeper disappeared and the field reformed. James thumped the wall of the bubble. No give, same as on the outside.

“Well, that’s one way in.” James slumped down, turned to Conrad. “You okay, Blondie?”

Conrad nodded, tried wiping his forehead.

As James established comms with EDI, he thought her voice sounded like it was right there next to him and he realised the sound wasn’t coming through their squad comm, but through his earpiece that linked him directly with the outside.

“Listen. I’m going to see what’s happening with Shepard. You keep an eye out for that keeper. Maybe try contacting Hackett again. Once we got Shepard stable, we wait for that keeper to come back then we make a run for it, okay?”

EDI agreed and James turned to Conrad. “You gotta help me with all the diagnostic and medical shit.” James brought his omni up, displayed the long list of suit and body damage for the body before him.

James crawled to Shepard, knelt by her head. She lay on her side, her head tucked down, like she was sleeping. Through her visor he saw her closed eyes, brows drawn in a frown. “Lola. Hey, can you hear me? It’s James.” He rested his hand on her shoulder, like he might wake her up. But she didn’t move. He shined a light in her eyes, looking for movement. “You never showed up. You said you’d be waiting for us but me and K, we’ve been waiting for you. We miss you. Just hold on. I’m gonna get you home, okay _carino_?”

Professional detachment took over as he checked her oxygen supply, debated taking her helmet off. Too risky. So he pressed his palm to her visor, like he could wipe her hair off her forehead, then together, him and Conrad rolled Shepard onto her back.

They started with her vitals. Pulse normal. Heart rate a little erratic. Blood pressure low. Breathing shallow. Either her suit's emergency features had kicked in or the keeper had repaired her suit enough to keep her alive in conjunction with the bubble. Must’ve been getting water from somewhere, too. James slotted a new medigel pack into her suit, set it to dispense. Then he added a low dose of stims to deal with the blood pressure. Dried blood pooled around her but her suit must have stemmed the flow, allowing her body to regenerate.

Conrad followed James’ instructions, taking readings with a steady voice. His hands weren’t even shaking, unlike James’. They worked well together. He wasn’t so bad, Blondie. Eager, sure, devoted to Shepard, absolutely. But then, so was James. They could both be her biggest fan, didn’t need to be a competition. Their concentration and teamwork paid off. Slowly, the warning lights flicked from red to yellow, some of them even to green.

James completed another scan of her armour, analysing the seals and barriers. Then he checked her over manually, running his hands over the seals and the new pieces he’d seen the keeper patch up, thumbing a couple into place, fabricating a new catch for her boot. He tested her barriers. All good. His HUD flicked green across the board. He knelt back, satisfied.

“Is she going to be okay?” Conrad asked, voice hushed.

James looked up from Shepard to Conrad. “Yeah. Yeah I think she might be.”

Exhaustion lay heavy on James’ shoulders but before he could succumb, a laugh escaped Conrad and he grabbed James’ hand, pumping it vigorously. James joined in, reality setting in that yeah, Shepard was okay. But they still had a long way to go before they could get her home.

“EDI, any word from Earth?” James turned to speak to EDI through the bubble.

“None, Commander. However the keeper is returning. Are you ready to move Shepard?”

“Shit. Yeah. Hope it doesn’t freak out.” He turned to Conrad. “Let’s get her on the stretcher and be ready to bolt.”

Conrad nodded and together they lifted Shepard onto the stretcher they’d unpacked and screwed together, then hoisted her up, James taking her head end, Conrad her feet. James saw the keeper approach, told Conrad to move on his signal. The bubble popped.

“Move!”

James and Conrad ran over to EDI, back towards the platform. But the bubble reformed.

“What the hell? Blondie, wait.” James stopped and looked around. The keeper stood next to Shepard, seemed to look at her then up to James. “What you doing Buggy?” James took a step to the side, pivoting the stretcher. The keeper followed and the bubble stayed centered on Shepard. “Uh. Okay. ‘Spose you can come too.”

James moved off again and the pair continued back to the platform, the keeper walking beside Shepard, keeping the bubble intact.

“Looks like were not the only fans of Shepard’s,” James muttered.

“Unlikely,” Conrad said. “You’re anthropomorphising a non-sentient creature. Commander Shepard’s data showed that they are essentially automatons. Biobased, but they can’t think for themselves, not consciously. They’re like VIs. They can figure out what needs doing, but they have no motivations like we do.”

James frowned. “Sure. Okay. I’ll take your word on that.”

EDI joined them on the platform and it started its descent. James took a moment to take in the view. Earth filled the warped window. Europe lay below, swathed in cloud. The green of the United Kingdom peeked through before misting away under a blanket of grey, the last place Shepard had set foot on before destroying the reapers. The platform met the lower level and the three started off with the keeper by their side.

“We gotta get Anderson,” James said, shifting direction, Conrad following with the foot of the stretcher. They stopped just next to Anderson, set Shepard down. “Blondie, you stay with Lola.”

James couldn’t get out of the bubble. He tapped it, but it didn’t pop. “Hey Buggy? Gonna let me out? He’s a friend. Gotta take him home, too.”

The keeper twitched, looked up at James, then Shepard, Anderson. Didn’t matter what shit Conrad just said, that keeper was _thinking_ something. It scuttled to the edge of the bubble and it fizzled away. James took his cue and stepped over to Anderson, the keeper reforming the field.

EDI helped James lay Anderson down, shift him into the body bag. No stretcher for him. No hope or life left in that hero.

“EDI, you got him? Look after him.”

James tapped on the bubble again, asked to be let back in. It opened, admitting James before sealing up again. He could get to like this bubble.

“Right. We got a lot of ground to cover. Let’s not fuck about.” He and Conrad hoisted Shepard’s stretcher up again and moved out.

Their trip back through the council chambers to the elevator was cumbersome but their keeper escort stayed by their side. James made for the door with the twenty thousand whatever stairs. At least going down would be easier than going up. But the keeper stopped, then turned, walked over to the elevator. James and Conrad had no choice but to follow. They watched as it tapped the keypad. The doors opened. The squad shared a glance.

“This your handiwork?” James looked down at the keeper. It didn’t look back. “Fuck it, let’s go.” James said.

They entered the elevator and EDI pressed the panel and it lurched into life, sending them down.

When the doors opened, James’ comm crackled to life, squealing static and voices in his ear. Clearly Conrad’s had done the same, both of them nearly dropping the stretcher trying to mute the noise.

“--ander Vega, do... copy?” Captain Bryant, arrogance leaking through the static.

“Vega here, I read you. Come in.”

“Where... been, fucker? You close? We...wait forever.”

A bolt of panic lanced through James. Those bastards better not fucking leave. Not now.

“We’re coming, just, hold on.” He turned to EDI. “Can you clean this up? What’s happening? Why’ve we got comms all of a sudden?”

“My channels are clear, Commander. You are experiencing interference from the barrier. I can relay your message to the rendezvous team.”

James rattled off a message, told Conrad to double time it. His HUD sparked a warning, Shepard couldn’t handle the jolting but James didn’t have much of a choice right now. Shifting his hold on the stretcher, he managed to dial up another dose of medigel. The warning died away.

“The stabilisation team are waiting at the landing zone. They have orders to depart immediately,” EDI said, voice calm.

“Tell them to keep their god-damn panties on.”

“Shall I quote you, Commander?”

James ignored her, knowing--hoping--she was kidding. Conrad’s laboured breathing came through James’ earpiece but he showed no signs of slowing. The man had done an amazing job, especially for someone who, from what James could tell, only played at being a soldier.

Even after such a short time, the Citadel had changed; the path clear of debris that only a few hours ago had had them scrambling over rubble. Every now and then the keeper made a clicking noise, like chatter coming from the unit of its back.

“There it is!” Conrad cried. “There’s the shuttle!”

The group burst through the hole in the side of the Citadel, out onto the warped shell they’d been dropped off on--shit, felt like days ago. The shuttle hovered, doors closed, itching to depart. James hollered, but only got a crackling voice back. EDI must have gotten through though: the shuttle door opened and three marines hopped out and ran over, rifles poised.

“‘Bout fuckin’ time, Vega,” Bryant said from the doorway. He hesitated, seeing the stretcher. “Shit. You actually got her.”

James bit down on the _no thanks to you, asshole_ and stood aside to let EDI climb in with Anderson over her shoulder.

“What the fuck is that thing?” One of marines asked, pointing to the keeper.

“New friend,” James replied.

“Well it can’t come with us.”

Conrad lifted his end of the stretcher into the shuttle and James followed, but he couldn’t push it all the way, Shepard’s feet pressing up against the edge of bubble. James turned to the keeper, bumping him as they stood at shuttle doorway. It had Shepard’s hand in its own.

“Hey, Buggy. You need to let go. We gotta leave now.” James said.

The keeper didn’t move.

“Come on, man. She means the world to me, too, but you gotta let us take her home.”

The keeper paused, its head dropping a moment, then it let go of Shepard and stepped back. The bubble dissipated and James slid the stretcher in. Conrad jumped up, leaving just James on the platform.

“Come on Vega, we got a schedule to stick to,” the pilot warned.

Just as James went to jump in, a glint on the ground caught his eye. He picked it up--an N7 badge. Must’ve been the one he’d pried off Conrad yesterday. He glanced between Shepard and the badge in his hand. The keeper chittered, drawing James’ attention. It looked so… so sad. But it couldn’t be sad. Conrad said... Ah, fuck it. He held his palm out for Buggy, because it had a name now. Buggy picked the badge up, turning it over.

“Thanks for looking after her. And thanks for cleaning up. We’ll see you again soon.” James jumped in and the door closed, whisking them away from the Citadel and turning to home.

James settled on the floor next to Shepard. There wasn’t much room with Anderson next to her and the boots of the two parties. Her vitals were low, but settled. He patched through to Hackett.

“Vega. Hackett here, what’s the word.” Hackett’s gruff voice came through.

James placed his hand over Shepard’s heart and knew they’d all be okay now.

“Sir. She’s alive. We’re coming home.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I've left something out of this last chapter. It wraps up too neatly for my liking, but I did want a happy ending and there is supposed to be a sequel.

James made his way around the plastic chairs to the front of the memorial. Only a few people remained, talking in hushed voices about sacrifices and bravery. The target in his sights stood at the foot of the memorial among the wreaths that had been laid only an hour ago, his head bowed, arms folded, weight on one foot. James allowed himself a smirk. Standing at rest wasn’t natural to Kaidan, not like it was to James.

They’d avoided each other since James had brought Shepard home. James thought he’d caught sight of Kaidan in the shadows when the shuttle returned, but his attention had been on Hackett and the doctors. Shepard had been shifted off to hospital immediately, Anderson to the mortuary. He’d stopped in at the hospital after quick shower, a change of clothes, and a snack. Shepard lay there in a hospital gown, looking so small out of her armour. One arm was covered in burns, her left arm. The one the keeper had made the armour for. Her face, despite being bruised and yellow, looked peaceful as she slept.

The next time he’d visited, her N7 hoodie lay draped over the back of the chair. Only a few of the crew still had clearance to visit the _Normandy_. Kaidan must have brought it, he must have visited.

The doctors explained Shepard’s condition. Stable, but not great. She’d lost blood, broken bones, been burnt. Her armour had taken most of the blast, overloading and restarting, her implants getting frazzled, shorting out. If it weren’t for that keeper, the docs explained, she’d be a gonner. James took all that in while watching Shepard’s shallow breaths. They couldn’t tell him how long she’d be out for.

Hackett’s debrief had gone smoothly, though James couldn’t read any emotion in that grizzled old face. Brass would wait to see what happened with Shepard before making any announcements. Conrad would be up for a special award for his efforts regardless of the outcome. James would get another medal to pin to his chest. EDI… well, EDI knew the role she’d played and seemed content with that.

The memorial for Anderson took place a couple of days after James had brought him home. James declined to speak, feeling self-conscious enough in his blues and new rank as he sat in the front row, looking up at Hackett and Kahlee Sanders deliver their eulogies. No one mentioned Shepard, or James’ daring rescue. Those people behind James, they’d not even known he’d been the one to find her. They knew he’d brought Anderson back, oh yes. James’ hand ached from all the congratulatory handshakes. Kaidan’d sat further down the row. Their eyes had met for a brief second before Kaidan glanced away, brows drawn.

James wasn’t going to let him go so easily this time. He stepped up next to him, affecting a similar stance. Arms folded, shoulders pulled forward.

“Hey K,” he said.

“Hey James,” Kaidan replied, turning to acknowledge James with a thin smile.

Their attention returned to the memorial, at Anderson’s name etched into the plaque.

“I’m sorry--” they spoke at the same time. James cleared his throat, gestured for Kaidan to speak first.

Kaidan sighed. With great effort, he turned to face James. “I don’t know where to start. I didn’t think she--I had no reason to believe she’d… But you did. You believed.”

There it was. Kaidan’s guilt-laced doubt. No one had any reason to believe Shepard had survived all that. Hell, if James had been up on the bridge watching the crucible blow up in real time, he wouldn’t’ve believed it either.

“Hey. I’m just a stubborn bastard.” And maybe he went up there because he hoped to be with her, too.

Kaidan huffed. “Shepard always said I was stubborn.”

James nudged Kaidan’s shoulder. “Major, you _are_ one stubborn SOB. You’re just a nihilist. That’s all. I’m young and too stupid to believe any different.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan sighed. He looked tired, eyes pinched, mouth tight. His beard made him look older too. But silver fox old, not old-before-his-time. James’ stomach flipped and he felt that same sense of completion that he’d felt when they’d kissed outside the shuttle.

A glint from Kaidan’s dogtags caught James’ attention. He leaned in and looped his finger around the chain, pulling it out and closing the three tags in his fist.

“Hey. She’s home now. She’s going to be fine. The three of us back together. No one can separate us now.”

Kaidan leaned in too. James could smell the gel in his hair, the ever present musk of aftershave even though Kaidan hadn’t shaved in months. Kaidan’s hand closed over his and he looked down at their fists, like he was waking up from a long sleep.

“The three of us,” Kaidan whispered. He looked up at James, those big brown eyes full of worry. “What happens now?”

James smoothed Kaidan’s brow with his thumb before sliding his hand down to rest on Kaidan’s shoulder. “Beats me. But we’ve got a while to figure it out. Come on, Lola’s waiting for us. Don’t wanna miss it when she wakes up, no?”

Kaidan smiled, really smiled, squeezing James’ hand. James had missed that smile, hadn’t seen it in a long time. He grinned back. They pulled apart, finally letting go of each other. With one last salute to Anderson, they turned and walked away. Lola was waiting for them, even if she didn’t know it yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! Your enthusiasm has been wonderful :) I know there are plot holes and unresolved issues... We'll just have to see what happens next!


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